Eric Newby, A Short Walk in the Hindu Kush, First Edition, 1958, Secker and Warburg, London.

Even without Bloody Kansas and John Brown, there’s a passel of important stuff out of Kansas: Count Basie and Charlie Parker, the Dust Bowl, the Kansas City Monarchs, Brown v. Board of Education, the Koch brothers, Dwight Eisenhower and Bob Dole and Bill James and Amelia Earhart, Superman, wheat, the terminus of the Texas cattle drives and Marshal Dillon.

Ok, technically some of that stuff is Kansas City, Missouri, but that’s too fine a line for my simple notions.

I’m tempted to make fun of Kansas: Middle America, Methodists, Sam Brownback and his faith in supply-side economics. . . My boyhood home is so much more sophisticated than Kansas. I am from the Texas Plains, none of this Kansas Plains stuff for me. Of course from my boyhood home it would only have been a four-hour drive due north to Dodge City, the same route, by the way, as the Great Western Cattle Trail from Texas to Dodge City. It was a shorter distance to Kansas than to Austin, San Antonio, Laredo, El Paso, and certainly Houston. Only Oklahoma lay between us. Just a little bit left and a few hours further north and I could still have grown up in Texas and only 70-odd miles from Kansas.

I’ve never once travelled that four hours to Kansas. If you had asked me as a boy who came from Kansas, I would have said Yankees. In some ways it was the most Southern thing (as opposed to Western thing) about growing up then in Texas. Everyone who wasn’t Southern Or Texan was a Yankee. Except for that whole Yankees‘ farm-team thing in the 50s, when the now-Oakland A’s were in Kansas City and seemingly traded, on demand, their best players to the Yankees for scrubs, it would probably confuse most Kansans to know that they were Yankees. This, by the way, was one of the longest sustained periods of Yankee baseball dominance, and the Kansas City A’s played an important supporting roll. Just like my ancestors, I’ve grown to distrust and generally dislike Yankees, though now it’s all baseball specific. I’m generally ok I think with people not from Texas.

E.B. White almost got it right:

To foreigners, a Yankee is an American.
To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner.
To Northerners, a Yankee is an Easterner.
To Easterners, a Yankee is a New Englander.
To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter.
And in Vermont, a Yankee is somebody who eats pie for breakfast.

There are two problems. “To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner” should be “To Southerners, a Yankee is every American who isn’t,” and there’s a problem with the pie thing. There’s nothing better than pie for breakfast.

Truth is though that no matter how close you are to Kansas, it seems most of us don’t go there, certainly without reason. Over the Martin Luther King holiday I think we’ll take a drive without reason to Kansas, at least with no reason but to get to Kansas. From Houston it’s further than the boyhood four hours, probably closer to ten, but it’s closer than Big Bend, or Marfa, or El Paso, or Lubbock. It’s also probably too cold to fish, but we’ll go, we’ll take our puppies along to protect us, we’ll try to make it to the Flint Hills, and then we’ll turn around and come home.

Instead of making fun of Kansas I’ve decided to think of it as an exotic destination, though I guess we won’t be doing any mountaineering, even in the Flint Hills. Think about it: everybody goes to Hawaii, there are cruise ships cruising north daily to Alaska, and trips to Los Angeles or Chicago or New York are common as dirt, but Kansas? There is plenty of dirt but nobody goes. Last year my son made it to Thailand, Singapore, and Japan. My closest work colleagues went to Paris, Prague, Egypt, Greece, and Vermont, which my sister says is also a foreign country. My daughter went to Disney World. No one I know went to Kansas. Ok, maybe it’s not the Hindu Kush, but it is full of Yankees. And when I get there I’m having pie for breakfast just like the natives.